Update on activities here in sunny Brasil, where it's been dull, cold and raining for most of a week. Today it's around 80 degrees and rising. Whooppee!

The electric supply has just lost a phase here so we've hurriedly turned off computers and fridges.....time for a defrost anyway.

I'm writing this on batteries as an email for the time being. Oh the primitivity (word?).

As of last Saturday, I have finally written off the Tennis Club once and for all after giving Garden Guy a final chance to sort his brain out and sell it to me. He didn't come through with anything and so the deadline passed on Friday and that's it. Finito. Cabo.

So since Saturday I've been looking seriously at other property. I went out driving with Maria that afternoon and looked at 4 or 5 houses, one of which I liked a lot.....in fact I wanted to buy the house and the little old lady with it......she was lovely.
A big single storey place with big windows and a big lounge and big kitchen/diner and swimming pool and good sized garden with fruit trees....figs!!....and a massive sort of garage which with beds and stuff would make a gorgeous guest house at the bottom of the garden.
Oh and two tiled kennels for Hannah to kidnap the mangy Sharpei from Saquarema into. All for a start price of £35 grand, before negotiations. Did I mention the figs??

So two minutes ago Uli just came and congratulated me.

I asked what for.......and apparently I am now the proud owner of a Tennis Club, if I still want to be.
Garden Guy has just informed our lawyer that he's prepared to sell it to me as long as he doesn't have to have any dealings whatsoever with House Guy, and to be honest, I feel rather the same way.
As I've found out the hard way, you really do have to play the game of coolness......which I always found easy when buying for profit but less so when buying for love. The best way to get something at the right price is to walk away at least twice. The rules of the bazaar....as Charlie D. pointed out to me the other week. Easy to do for business, but hard to do when your emotions are involved.

So the big question is.....Do I go for it???

I've enjoyed the freedom of the last few days, being able to look at anything and everything....I had at least three properties of some interest on the go, with another couple of possibilities with commercial aspects chucked in.
But nothing that really hits the spot, that really excites me and that will end up being completely special. I realised once it had apparently dissappeared fom view, the Tennis Club was a chance to do something spectacular and at a bargain price, which is the only price I can actually afford! I
t's a chance to do something that's way beyond its actual budget. And finding another opportunity like that is a hard one.
I'm also aware that rebuilding the Tennis Club involves doing a lot of stuff I don't even know how to do in England, let alone in a foreign language I can only just about order a beer in.

So taking all that into consideration, and then ignoring it completely, of course I'm going to go for it.

But I am going to learn a lesson.....if you show your hand because you're frightened to lose the pot, you stand a very good chance of losing the pot anyway. So you might just as well be bold and play the game. Poker face. Display only disinterest. Even when it's love. And always walk away at least twice.

.....AND NOW ENORMOUS BIRTHDAY GREETINGS TO HANNAH MY DAUGHTER ON HER 28TH BIRTHDAY WITH ENORMOUS LOVES AND KISSES......ALSO FROM SONIA AND DEBORAH HERE IN SAQUAREMA.....I can't wait to see Hannah back out here, hopefully early Decembro.........
.......so that means it was only 28 years ago this morning I was in the Arts Workshop's shop at 146 Walcot Street breaking into the collection box to finance phoning the ambulance, and later had to blag the busfare back into town from St Martins from another newlydad at the bus stop.......

......and also a big up to my old buddy Ric Knapp.....his birthday today too.....if you see him give him a Happy Birthday and a big smile......don't forget, a smile goes a long way......

Oh and I hope you've all, alright both of you, found the first part of "Gordon the Movie the Story" of some interest and not too tangential.....unless I receive substantial complaints, I shall continue with this mammoth project.....anything rather than show the film !!!
As I have been proud to say on so many occasions, am I not the man who put the letter "n" into cult????

And now back to an old and near forgotten tradition, the Burroughsian-cut-up-email section.

Written in reply to a dear friend only last night.....but tidied up slightly.....

I've been very productive this week...well yesterday .....I went with Maria to Niteroi, over the bay from Rio and sorted out my CPF number...later I get a card...hurrah....that allows me to pay tax here hurrah....but also to buy house, rent a video, get utility bills etc, and then went to the Policia Federal where a Federal Policeman ( Policia Federal) gave me a further 3 months of visaness, all the while with his pistola automatico ( pistola automatico) pointed disconcertingly through the flimsy partition at my even flimsier testicles. However Maria, having noted its proximity and apparent trajectory, managed as if by magic to make her blouse buttons fly open, thereby securing for me both my crutch and my 3 month visa. In fact securing two of my extensions in one fell swoop of her cleavage, as it were.
Then after a massive, posh buffet lunch (£2 each) she went off into Rio on the ferry on biz and I hobbled to the bus station ( in Ingles, bus station) to get the bus (bus) back to Saquarema, where I visited Hannah's tattooist and my barber ( in English, barber) and then got taken to meet an estate agent by my barber ( in english, still barber), and then I went to the Marisco restaurant, ate a slice of pizza, fed a bit to the birds flying around the restaurant, and got a bit pissed.
Then I got a taxi home with a nice taxista or taxi driver ( taxista or taxi driver).
Marisco is a funny word, as depending on who you ask, it means all types of shellfish, or it means mussels, or when you ask Maria it means something completely else entirely. And the word for mussels is something completely else entirely. So when I go to this restaurant I order anything else but marisco, as I never know what I'll get. Which is a shame as it must obviously be the speciality of the house, whatever it is. And also I like mussels which are seafood and seafood which are mussels or which are not mussels. Or seafood. I don't mind really. The slice of pizza was nice anyway....it had mussels and seafood on it. It's called a pizza de marisco. ( translates as " a pizza de marisco" ).

.......written in reply to another friend re. steaming wallpaper (ostensibly)........

aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhsteaming wallpaper......makes me hungry just writing it......I used to be a shopfitter so used to do it on an industrial scale....just as appalling but bigger.....(now I expect he'll start rambling about the past) ........yes here we go.....I have happy memories of being stuck in a large toilet with an ex marine called ##### for several days stripping wallpaper and talking in Geordie accents....it pissed me off cos his was so much better than mine......he was the gentlest ex marine I ever met.....he'd been on duty in the Falklands and was waiting for his flight out on the day the entire Argentine Military invaded.....him and his 95 mates took 'em on and were doing quite well until the wanker governor surrendered on their behalf......got prisoner swapped later on and went back as a scout with Margaret's task force......only talked about that bit the once......involved a bit of wet work I think.............tchou! speek next week!!

.......written whilst drunk to another bud.......
I'm really pissed ....just got back this min from my mate Sonia Cristina's house....we ate a lot of food and I paid for her daughter and mate to go to disco in town so long as they did a dance on one spastic leg for me......life is tough.....well not very but my leg hurts thank god.....
.........I wasnt going to write cos am pissed but then I realised it was you so better if i am hahahahah.....brilliant to get emu from you.....hahahahhahhaahaha
.........I like doing hahahas cos its the only thing i can type consecutively...ouch......that was a good example
.....had my first dance on dry land tonight....managed it in swim pool but tonite managed it dry to latinoreggae.......band called cidade negra....e muito bom!!!!
......must go sleep after poo and wee....coco e sheshe as we say round yer.....will communicate...sorry will communicate more .....tchou ......love you intensely from the bottom of my heart and from my wife's bottom too......am now as well as an estate agnt , an eco-architect, eco-boat designer and eco house building system designer.....isn't life funny sometimes...wait for it hahahahahahahahahah
love that.....

.......and again the next day.....ref. her friend Roger, the cabin boy, apparently.....
Had to reread your missive sober and realised I'd missed a few (well all) salient points....with ref. roger the cabin boy, yes, I will, whenever you like......I remember back in my seafaring days down in Willments Shipyard, oft was heard the cry "pass me another cabin boy, this ones split".....(true actually).....they were of course in very short supply by the late 80's so one often had to make do and mend.....thank the Lord for gaffer tape......big market for that in Ecuador too apparently....well you didn't really think they actually ate the guinea pigs did you?

....anyway I may be slightly off the track here.....but what the hey.....behind the shipyard in Southampton was the grave of a cabin boy. He was adrift for several weeks with his shipmates.....who in desperation finally resolved to kill and eat him as he was the smallest and weakest ( also probably therefore the tenderest).....they'd just got started on their din dins when they were spotted and rescued and all before they could hide the evidence.....and so were hanged. So heed the warning of an old seadog, always pick yer shipmates carefully, and always make sure yer not the smallest......haharrr.
......we used to scare the shit out of young ####, my yacht partner, the smallest and youngest of us, when afloat in a rough sea hahaarrr.....we'd all go very quiet and stare at him.....haharrrr! So was he that very cabin boy.....haharrr.....perhaps we'll never know......

I have to stop writing this i'm becoming very ill....I need my din dins.......haharrr stop it you bugger........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargghhhhhhhhhhhhhhI'll be fine on the morrow I expect
must go ......eat.....perchance to dream.......tchou.....lots of love and stufff.....Nash the lagoonboy XXXXX

Re tropical gardens etc.....
I hope all is well with you. How's the Africa lark coming on? I was telling my plant-head friend Uli about Neem and he said he'd planted a couple of trees here to protect some other planting, but didn 't realise how much other stuff it could do. When I told him of it's commercial value, he said he would kiss my feet if I could show him a viable commercial possibility using trees. Then I showed him my feet! Seriously, he would consider planting in bulk if it was worth doing. Maybe you could advise me on that.

As far as tropical gardens go, I couldn't have jumped from such a tiny frying pan into such a large fire if I'd tried.....the gardens at the house I'm in the guest house of are stunning. Uli also has another plot nearby on the edge of the lagoon....I was there eating tamarind and mango and stuff I can't remember off the trees t'other day. He also owns a mountain ( 300,000 m2 behind the lagoons, which he is planting with palms at the moment, prior to some very minimal building. )

I, in the meantime have become an estate agent(!), as Uli got me to put some property of his on the market. I am also as of yesterday, it would seem, an architect, having suggested a design for a house on stilts with mini-dock for the lagoon-side plot, and we're about to embark on an experimental earthbag building project on his mountain, which I also suggested.
I also reckon I'm about to become an architectural model builder, as I mentioned I used to scratch build models when I was a kid....he doesn't know I'm now near blind!!!

As well as that I broke my leg 2 weeks after getting here, agreed to buy an ex tennis club a week after getting here, which I finally called off yesterday after the two owners turned out to be various types of ass-holes.....as Kurt Vonnegut would now say, this * is what an ass-hole looks like.
Overall I've been having a great time, apart from a few short bursts of frustration (broken leg boredom and discomfort/mosquitoes/heat) and despondency ( tennis club buying from anuses discomfort)....but now leg is getting better....I can now hobble at speed.....tennis club house is definately off so I can get on with finding something else, and Hannah (daughter) is back soon which will be great fun.....

ref. unwanted correspondents......
Wappnin!
..........re religio-fascist I have his address, phone, email, age and name, also now full life history via mutual contact!!
I've placed him to rest in a file called simply "Loony" on my mail machine. He's there for when I have something lodged in my stomach I just can't shift.
Sorry to hear of yr mate.....but bristol is little safer....Ruby (my daughter)'s blokes dad was taken in on a sunday (big mistake) and the thingy machine doesnt work on sundays so he didnt get scan til monday by which time ulcer had exploded and everything had septacaemia (thanx for spelling)....consequently on deathbed then they screwed up again by putting wrong drip on(student nurse) ....accidental pun there.....then he caught the hospital virus.....it goes on and on.....he's now completely fuct and barely alive. Still, thank heavens for little nursies.
Lots of love from Lagoonboy XXX

....sent to Citikey Bath so-called shop guide website.....

First off my shop is Nashers Music Store
2nd I sell primarily records, not videos and cds
3rd the website URL (which you've made up) is nashers.demon.co.uk and has been since 1994.....
....and 4th I closed down on March 26th 2006 and have since moved to Brasil.....
.....apart from that the photo is nice but is 5 years out of date....
....can't see the point of an info site with so much wrong info!!
.....love from Nasher.

Re leg and stuff.....
Nah it's beeen ok...nice (brief) walks and nice weather.....hot but breezy and cool nights which are a relief......all is under control ish.....Uli and Maria are dealing with it all.....there's lots of other possibilities but my head still sees tenis club as home.....once its definately on or off I'll be able to switch to next enthuse.....I'm totally monogamous in a project relationship but totally promiscuous in letting go once its over and finding a new one. Now I'm declaring my promiscuity with projects...isn't life strange.
It's prob just as well Hannah wasn't here.....with her kickboxing skills she'd have crippled the seller and wife with a couple of deft blows and then headed off to find the errant one and maim him for life too......
So I should know in a couple of days whether it's on or off.......Uli's offered me a slice of his lagoon side condo to build on, and even to run the building and selling of other units there if I want ......and theres another lagoonside property Hann and I looked at which Sonia caretakes.....plus theres all the other property around.......I do want summat special tho'. All the houses here are nice cute cosy varandas etc but the rooms are always small even if the house is big. Whatever!!
As for mad women......you can spot them very easily but there are two things you must know......
1) they're women, and
2) they're mad.
It's that simple. Women are just people, and if they were men you wouldn't take mad ones home and put them in your bed so you could touch them. But you will when it's a mad woman, so you can touch them.
Anyone, having cheered things up a bit, I'll go for a jog.